No One Asked: Three Women Who Will Not Buy Zayn’s Album In Conversation About Zayn’s Album
Yesterday, Zayn Malik of former One Direction (RIP) fame released the tracklist for his upcoming debut solo album on Instagram and it’s a nightmare.
Aubrey Bellamy, Caitie Delaney, and Fran Hoepfner are online and doing their best to rEaD iNtO iT aLl.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Caitie: Is this a screenshot from the opening credits to Willy Wonka? Are those chocolate chips?
Aubrey: In my opinion, it is coffee. Does Zayn like coffee?
Fran: Zayn always wanted to be the mysterious one and I am truly baffled at what I’m supposed to be looking at.
Aubrey: There are literally hundreds of colors he could have used and this one is brown.
Caitie: AUBREY
Fran: Aubrey!
Aubrey: Hehe.
MiNd Of MiNdd (intro)
Caitie: I imagine this is Zayn trying to say the word “innit” sexually. Ie. “Roight, welcome to my album, innit? Prepare to get wet.”
Fran: Very accurate and correct impression.
Caitie: Explain to me the difference between “Mind” with one D and “Mindd” with two.
Fran: It’s a British thing.
Caitie: Omg they love double letters.
Aubrey: What is the significance of the Ns capitalized, is my question. Because there is an N in Zayn?
Caitie: No limits. No mercy. This is to prepare you for what’s to come in this album.
Aubrey: Oh, is he a skater?
Caitie: Def hangs out at skate parks.
Fran: He does graffiti. He considers himself a visual artist, which explains… um, the album art?
Aubrey: Sure, okay.
Fran: I wonder if he talks during this, by which I mean I hope he doesn’t talk during this.
Aubrey: I just bristled.
PiLlowT4lK
Caitie: Thank god I’m listening to this song right now.
Caitie: He’s screaming.
Aubrey: This song is about sex.
Fran: He makes the word “reckless” three syllables long.
Caitie: Given the “4” in place of “A” in PiLlowT4lK, it’s probably about a foursome?
Aubrey: Wow, did NOT sign up for Zayn to be saying F.
Caitie: Would love the be a fly on the minivan walls of thousands of Moms hearing this for the first time. “JESSICA ANNE! THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE!!”
Fran: I don’t drive right now but I would love to know what the radio edit of “fucking and fighting” is? Probably “loving and fighting”? Which is bad.
Aubrey: So many cars have TVs now and this video is viiiiile.
Fran: It is time for me to make a personal announcement which is that I love this song.
Aubrey: Ugh, I think same.
Fran: Loving something and knowing it is bad are not mutually exclusive.
Caitie: So we all love this song.
Aubrey: lol
iTs YoU
Aubrey: So there’s no apostrophe, huh?
Caitie: Nice catch.
Fran: [extremely high school english teacher voice] “Its you WHAT???”
Caitie: Oh, he says F again. Like 20 seconds in.
Aubrey: Bye!
Fran: This song is very boring.
Caitie: He tried to be sensitive and I get the feeling that’s not what Zayn is about. NEXT.
BeFoUr
Aubrey: I KNOW WHAT THIS SONG IS ABOUT.
Fran: I do too.
Aubrey: Fran told me about One Direction.
Fran: I did.
Aubrey: They have an album called Four and they released it after Zayn left.
Fran: Before Zayn left!! Or should I say… BEFOUR.
Aubrey: Whoa, okay. Wild, but… I still know what the song is about. His feelings are hurt!!! Mine would be for sure if I once had four friends and then I had none.
Caitie: Idk I’m thinking this obsession with foursomes is spanning multiple tracks.
Fran: Caitie, no.
Caitie: Who would be his three? Zayn is poly.
Fran: I agree that Zayn is poly.
Aubrey: Sure!
sHe
Fran: We now know that Zayn is poly.
Caitie: IT’S A THEME.
Caitie: This song title is so boring I have nothing to say.
Aubrey: Yeah, like… how many songs are there with titles that are just female pronouns? I don’t… care.
Fran: Mysterious is synonymous for boring!!!
Caitie: Yeah, Happy International Women’s Day, we’re all just a SHE to ZAYN MALIK.
dRuNk
Fran: lmao
Caitie: Omg do you think he’s drank before
Aubrey: He has probably drank more than me.
Fran: This whole album is just like a giant fuck you to the One Direction image. Which is funny, I think, because those guys didn’t necessarily try to hide that they drank? Obviously there was the boy band “image” but I also felt like their stuff was fairly adult for the fact that it was for teens. It wasn’t fuck music but neither is this, to be honest!
Aubrey: SOMEone will F to this.
Caitie: Imagine *NSYNC with tattoos. The most alt thing in that era was Chris Kirkpatrick’s beaded dreads.
INTERMISSION: fLoWer
Aubrey: Sex.
Caitie: Flower like… flower like, sex flower? I’m sorry, I don’t follow.
Fran: Can’t stop seeing this as flower, as in the gerund version of “flow.” Okay, bye!
Caitie: The audacity of the artist who thinks he needs an intermission during his album. “ZAYN, STOP, IT’S TOO MUCH, WE NEED A BREAK!” Fuk u.
Aubrey: GUARANTEE it’s only like 17 minutes in.
rEaR vIew
Aubrey: … sex again.
Fran: Said “cool” aloud.
Caitie: OH, GROSS.
wRoNg (ft. Kehlani)
Caitie: Finally.
Caitie: I wonder who’s wrong.
Caitie: I bet it’s not him.
Fran: Men love to be like, “I was wrong.” They love to announce that they know that they were wrong. I’m over it!
Caitie: “I was wrong, I just said it out loud, which absolves me of all consequence” FUCK YOU
Aubrey: Tell me to my face that you’re sorry!!! In even tones, not song!!!
fOoL fOr YoU
Fran: This is the name of literally 1,000 songs.
Aubrey: Cranberries cover???? Thanks to Zayn for reminding me to put this on my karaoke note.
Caitie: Because for a man to be interested in a girl so intensely, he must be a fool. All rationality goes out the window when a guy acquiesces to a female! FUCK YOU!
Aubrey: Oh, wait. It’s called “Linger.” The Cranberries song. Sorry, guys.
Fran: Never mind. I was also thinking of “Lovefool.”
Caitie: Thought this was a Ben Lee song too but that’s “Ache For You” or something.
Aubrey: There’s definitely a bunch of songs called “Fool For You” so we’re still right.
BoRdErZ
Caitie: Bookz & Cafe.
Fran: I miss Borders!!!!
Aubrey: Did they have Borders in London?
Fran: Zayn is from YORKSHIRE.
Caitie: bOOOrders yOOOORkshire. Fuck you honestly.
Fran: Your impression is only getting better!!
Aubrey: Where’s… Yorkshire.
tRuTh
Fran: Whatever.
Caitie: Bet Zayn thinks we can’t handle it.
Aubrey: Yes.
lUcOzAdE
Fran: This is probably my favorite song because I had to google it.
Caitie: Fuck. Is that an uppercase “i” or a lowercase “L”?????????
Fran: I thInk it is a lowercase “L”. Right?
Aubrey: Maybe!
Caitie: Do you guys know what lucozade is? Is that a drug?
Aubrey: Maybe!
Fran: I love not knowing about types of drugs.
BLUE
Caitie: I like how he just gives up on the HaLf CaPs StUfF like three quarters of the way down for FULL CAPS.
Aubrey: Something something about transformation and transition, you know???
Fran: This is my second favorite song because blue is my second favorite color.
Aubrey: Honestly, I’m listening to “Linger.”
BRIGHT
Caitie: “Oie dunno, call it ‘broight,’ den, innit.”
Caitie: How do people from Yorkshire talk?
Aubrey: *pounds on table* Where is Yorkshire!!!!
Caitie: That’s where they invented pudding.
Fran: It’s north. Norf England.
Aubrey: Nice.
LIKE I WOULD
Caitie: Zayn’s version of “As If!”
Fran: What you have to understand about him is that *falls asleep*
Caitie: I love not having to listen to any of these songs.
Aubrey: [Fran’s extremely high school English teacher voice] Like you would…. what.
Caitie: Zayn definitely asked to go to the bathroom like 8 times per class when he was in high school. Sorry — “college?” Fuckin’ British people.
Aubrey: Yorkshire!
SHE DON’T LOVE ME
Aubrey: She DOESN’T love you, goddammit, Zayn!!!
Fran: This is such an unimpressive fuck you to the One Direction mantra which was always, like, “I love her!”
Aubrey: Don’t make me be this person, ZAYN.
Aubrey: Do you know how many times I’ve written “Zayne.”
Aubrey: Who is “she?”
Fran: Me, I guess?
Aubrey: I’ll believe it. I’ll believe anything.
Caitie: “She” probably very smart.
Fran: Thank you.
Caitie: “She” her own woman.
Aubrey: Fran is!
Caitie: “She” not on this earth to love you, Zayn.
Fran: I would never.
Aubrey: NEVER!
Caitie: Fuck you, Zayn!
